Dealing With Friends And Family During Divorce

In a divorce it is not just mom, dad, and the kids who are affected. Your parents, siblings, in-laws, uncles, aunts, and friends are all drawn into the conflict. As you begin the divorce process, your tendency will be to think only of your most immediate world: home, children, and property. This is the core that is changing, but that can blind you to the larger world outside. As the process drags on you will discover that your entire range of relationships has changed. Some of these changes are sudden and huge. Others are far subtler. Whose friend is whose? Will you ever see your in-laws again? What are the fault lines of your children’s loyalties? Will any of their friendships be affected? Much of this turns on the divorce process itself. The nastier it gets, the more difficult these questions become. Can you remain friends with the couple that is still on good terms with your ex? When you’re around them do you have to watch every word you say? As with all issues of divorce, this one is easier if the split is amicable. If you and your ex are on friendly terms, that feeling will usually extend to his relatives. But if things have been ugly, then relationships change radically. The bitterness in a divorce tends to bleed into far too many other parts of one’s life. When you are one of the people who are divorcing, you suffer not only the loss of a spouse, but a whole set of people you cared about. These may be people you spoke to candidly, folks with whom you shared holidays and vacations. You may have even thought of them as people you would confide in about anything. Suddenly they are cast into an enemy camp, and you wish you’d never said a word to them. The easy thing to say is: be strong. The most important thing to say is: go to the friends and family who have stuck with you. When people turn against you, go to those people who are true to you. Your real friends won’t ask you to spell out everything, or to prove anything. They will simply give you love and support, and that is exactly what you need most now. About the Author: Christina Rowe is the author of the best selling divorce book "Seven Secrets To A Successful Divorce-What Every Woman Needs To Know". Find out the survival skills that will save you time, money and heartache during your divorce. For a free chapter of the book go to: http://www.secretsofdivorce.com Read more articles by: Christina Rowe Article Source: www.iSnare.com Share: Del.icio.us Digg Reddit

Lonely After Divorce? Get A Dog!

After my divorce was final, I found myself finally dealing with my feelings about the divorce. During the divorce I was consumed with court dates and legal issues and did not have time to mourn the death of my marriage or deal with the many emotions divorce stirs up. Working through all of the different emotions and feelings of loss,betrayal, anger and disbelief took many months. One emotion I was surprised to feel was loneliness. At first I thought that it meant it was time to go out and try and meet someone new. Then I realized that what I really craved was not a boyfriend, but attention, love and friendship. That was when I decided to get a puppy. After all, puppies give you unconditional love. They are thrilled to see you even if you have only been gone for an hour and they are loyal, cuddly friends that will never betray you. Sine my youngest child was 7 years old at the time, I also had the urge to "baby" and take care of someone helpless again. I adopted Luigi a 3 month old Maltese, 5 months after my divorce was settled. Luigi is a wonderful, loving, loyal little guy who has brought me an enormous amount of joy. He is truly my "best friend". He is there for me in good times and bad and I can count on his love and devotion. If you are going through a divorce and feel a sense of sadness and loneliness,you need to work through these emotions. Meeting someone and getting serious too soon can be a mistake. If what you really crave is love and attention,think about adopting a pet. Ironically once you feel loved and needed again, you will naturally attract someone into your life will respect and honor you. About the Author: Christina Rowe is the author of the new book "Seven Secrets To A Successful Divorce-What Every Woman Needs To Know". Find out the survival skills that will save you time, money and heartache during your divorce. For your free chapter of the book go to: http://www.secretsofdivorce.com Read more articles by: Christina Rowe Article Source: www.iSnare.com Share: Del.icio.us Digg Reddit

Deciding To Divorce

The most intense, heart-wrenching decision comes at the start: Should you get divorced? Much has led up to this question, including the notions of separation and divorce. Up to now they have only been thoughts and words, with no immediate consequences. Now that you realize the time to decide has come, you have to contemplate action. The focus on action clarifies the situation, but also makes it seem more difficult and scary. Any number of scenarios might lead to the end of a marriage. Sometimes there’s no choice; it’s your spouse who crosses the line. Often an affair ends a marriage. Other times physical abuse occurs, and the marriage becomes dangerous and intolerable. Circumstances like these leave little choice in the matter. A divorce becomes the only acceptable step. But many divorces arise out of situations that are far less cut-and-dried. You may find that your marriage has grown dull. You look at your mate and realize that all the physical attraction you felt is gone. Or maybe the emptiness is in a different area. You might feel restricted, and even suffocated in everything you do. Your soul mate is no longer your soul mate. Your lives have grown apart. In situations like these others may still see your marriage as ideal, but deep down you feel it is all pain and misery. This may be one-sided. One partner may think everything is fine, while the other only wants out. Or you may be gasping for breath, and not even knowing it. If you come to the realization that your marriage is failing, should you get a divorce? Before you take any steps you should contemplate where they might lead. Divorce is a painful, difficult choice. Ending a marriage is almost never easy, even when both sides agree that they no longer love each other. When one spouse still has deep feeling and the other doesn’t, or when there is any sense of imbalance at all—whether it be emotional, financial, or professional—that can only make it worse. In most cases you are ending a long relationship. There was love here once, and intensity. You are considering cutting the cord with someone who was the most important person in your life. The presence of children amplifies the problem. The younger the kids, the worse it can be. Most children cannot help but feel torn when parents separate. Divorce is often a financial earthquake for both parties. The family home might be sold. Two households are set up, both having to accommodate the children. Unless both parties are rich, this will affect your family’s standard of living. Whether the problem is mental, spiritual, or a combination of factors, divorce is a step you should examine carefully. If there is no physical abuse in the picture, you may want to go to couple’s counseling before making the final decision. Offer to go with your spouse to see a therapist. Put it in positive terms, and make it a wholehearted offer. If you don’t think of it this way, counseling will have little chance of having any value. Your spouse may say no, but you will have tried. If there is abuse, either physical or mental, couple’s counseling is almost certainly not the right course. Spousal or child abuse should not be tolerated. If it happens you need to protect yourself. In such a case you should simply look for the quickest, safest way out. Appeal to friends and family or, if necessary, go to a shelter. Do whatever you must do to effectively separate yourself and your children from your spouse, then look for a lawyer. Has your spouse cheated? For me this was the cause of my divorce. Some will be able to forgive their spouse and try to save the marriage. I was unable to accept my husband’s affair and he quickly changed into a different person, both emotionally and physically, leaving me no choice but to file for divorce. I know from my own experience, and from observation of many divorces, that your road ahead is long, frustrating, and probably ugly. The best scenario would be that you and your spouse begin by meeting with a mediator to agree on a fair settlement. If this route is possible it will save both of you thousands in legal fees. If you feel that your spouse will agree to an amicable divorce, this is the way to go. About the Author: Christina Rowe is the author of the new book "Seven Secrets To A Successful Divorce-What Every Woman Needs To Know". Find out the survival skills that will save you time, money and heartache during your divorce. For your free Secrets of Divorce newsletter go to http://www.divorcesurvivalskills.com Read more articles by: Christina Rowe Article Source: www.iSnare.com Share: Del.icio.us Digg Reddit

How To Deal With Your Ex-husband's New Girlfriend

Many of us find a new mate immediately after divorce. Your ex-husband may be one of them. This can be hard on you emotionally. My own ex took no break whatsoever. His relationship was the cause of our breakup. She moved in with him two months after he left my home. She left him after little more than a year. I was elated. Her departure was satisfying on several levels. My feelings stemmed from my own hurt, and they also came from the disruption and pain she’d brought to my children’s lives. But I admit that revenge was a factor. I liked the feeling that my ex was finally getting his comeuppance. Now he would feel the sting of rejection. I wanted him to suffer this. I had good reason. He had thrown out 13 years of marriage, and I wanted him to pay for it. His girlfriend had been a painful reminder of all that, and I couldn’t help but feel relief that her life no longer intersected with mine or my children’s. But these feelings of relief and satisfaction were quickly tempered by the fact that he soon found another girlfriend. I decided that any woman was better than the last, but still I wondered, how could anyone want to date a broke, often-unemployed, overweight, balding man? His new girlfriend was only 24, 14 years younger than he was. She seemed nice enough, but deep down it still bothered me that he was happy. Despite all the books I had read on spirituality, forgiveness, and love, I still felt rage. Try as I might, I couldn’t understand these feelings. I no longer had any physical attraction to this man. I didn’t even like him. Why would I care? The real reason was that I wanted him to suffer for what he had done to me. It is normal to have confusing feelings long after the divorce is final. An ex’s new partner can stir hostility whenever she comes in contact with your children. This is inevitable. Your life has been turned upside down. The familiar and routine are changed forever. Even if your marriage was filled with anger, it was still the life you knew. Some inmates find security in a prison cell. Marriage can be the same. With divorce new people enter your life, some not by choice. You must find a way to deal with your ex’s new love. This is difficult if you are not currently in a relationship yourself. Why him, but not me? You ask over and over. You feel you are a good person, and you deserve love. You feel as if your ex deserves loneliness and pain. Stop taking it personally. The right person will show up. Though it may not seem so now, he will arrive at exactly the right moment. Be cautious. Look before you leap. There’s no need to risk repeating a painful experience. Take your ex’s success as an omen. You know that if it can happen to him quickly, you too will find love. If his new love proves fleeting, don’t rejoice or worry about it. The longer you wait the better chance you have for a truly lasting love. Don’t jump into something just to prove yourself. This is not a competition. This is a serious search for a love that will last a lifetime. You do not need to suffer again. That doesn’t mean you should ignore your negative emotions. Release them. Talk to a friend or therapist. Punch a pillow. Wait until you are alone, then call your ex every dirty name in the book. Shout it and scream it. Let all of it go. Let go of all of the pain, hurt, and betrayal. The process may take months, or even years, but you will feel better in time. That special someone will come, and your divorce will fade into memory. You will no longer harbor hateful feelings toward your ex. You will come to accept your ex for who he is, and wish him well. About the Author: Christina Rowe is the author of the new book "Seven Secrets To A Successful Divorce-What Every Woman Needs To Know". Find out the survival skills that will save you time, money and heartache during your divorce. For your free chapter of the book go to: http://www.secretsofdivorce.com Read more articles by: Christina Rowe Article Source: www.iSnare.com Share: Del.icio.us Digg Reddit

The Truth About Dirty Divorce Tactics

Why does divorce turn ugly? What makes one partner turn on the other? I have often pondered these questions. It amazes me that two people who stood at the altar and vowed to be together until death do us part,can ultimately destroy each other. While I was married the thought of a couple going through a vicious divorce made no sense to me. I always thought that when a couple decided to divorce they should simply divide their assets in half and part ways amicably. There was never a reason for a bitter divorce, I naively thought. I was stunned when during my own divorce my ex-husband refused to settle and split our assets. What followed was a long, expensive legal battle.Never did I imagine that I would be engaged in the same kind of divorce I once scorned. I decided to research why divorce becomes ugly. I found that one of the main causes of a bitter divorce is that one or both spouses are receiving bad advice. Sometimes this advice comes from an attorney. Other times it is from family members or friends. But no matter who provided the advice, it is always received by an angry,vengeful spouse. This is the spouse who feels betrayed, who wants to hurt his or her mate. The spouse who cannot let go and move on with his or her life. This person has a need to get even and in the emotionally weak state one is left in during the wake of a divorce, he or she is easy prey for a greedy divorce attorney or a mother-in-law who hated her daughter-in -law from day one. Are more men guilty of being unfair and using devious tactics in divorce than women? I think the playing field is about even. There are probably just as many woman as men who resort to despicable behavior during divorce. You may be tempted to act out and strike back at a husband that is causing you pain. Remember that the more in control you are of your behaviors and actions, the better you will come out in the end. You are being providing with an inside view of what some men are capable of during divorce. Some of this information is shocking and startling.You may think that your ex would never do this to you. Hopefully he won’t.But you need to be on guard and prepared for battle at all times. The woman who have already suffered at the hands of a husband who has played dirty tricks will tell you they never saw it coming. Never in a millions years did they believe their husbands could be capable of such actions.Yet it still happened to them. Be forewarned,armed and ready. 5 Simple Rules To Follow During A Ugly Divorce: 1. Watch who you confide in. You must be careful of who you tell your divorce woes to someone who you consider a friend may pass information either knowingly or unknowingly to your spouse. 2. Do not try and reason with your spouse. Let your lawyer do the talking for you.That is why you hired him. Engaging in conversations with your husband about your divorce can make things a lot worse. He may be setting you up. You cannot trust him. If you could then your divorce would be settled by a mediator. 3. Be prepared financially. Make sure you have the funds available to pay for your attorney’s retainer fee and support you and your children.In my book “Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce-what every woman needs to know” I go into great detail explaining what you need to do to protect yourself financially. 4. Always control your emotions! Any out of control behavior will cost you in the courtroom. You better believe that your husband will be making a list of anything you do that is questionable. Are you driving by his home? Calling his cell phone? Harassing him by email? Your husband will use these kinds of behaviors to portray you as an unfit mother, crazy woman etc. 5. Be proactive and be involved in your divorce process. You cannot depend on your divorce attorney to win your divorce for you no matter how much you are paying him. Your lawyer cares about his fee. This is his business, how he makes a living. He is not your best friend, or confidante. What you can expect from him is to represent you to the best of his abilities. You need to become involved and stay in control of what goes on in your case. I hope the information I have given you will help you prepare for your divorce so that you may have the best possible divorce outcome! About the Author: Christina Rowe is the author of the new book "Seven Secrets To A Successful Divorce-What Every Woman Needs To Know". Find out the survival skills that will save you time, money and heartache during your divorce. For your free chapter of the book go to: http://www.secretsofdivorce.com Read more articles by: Christina Rowe Article Source: www.iSnare.com Share: Del.icio.us Digg Reddit